The Walker Evans Effect

Stoney River Legendary Steaks

First things first

Let me state for the record that I am not a regular visitor of steakhouses. I do enjoy a good steak every now and then, and love grilling them at home. Typically when a special occasion rolls around that warrants dining out at an expensive restaurant though, steakhouses are not the first thing that comes to mind for me.

Furthermore, I’m a bit on the player-hater side when it comes to low-end steak joints as well. The only thing I love more than making fun of places like Lonestar and Outback and Texas Roadhouse is making fun of places like Applebees and TGIFridays and Chilis.

With that out of the way, this past weekend I went out with some friends to celebrate some birthdays, and we decided upon dining at Stoney River Legendary Steaks in Dublin (corner of 161 and Frantz Road). I glanced at their menu online and thought the selections sounded pretty decent. In the week leading up to it, I talked with a few people who had been there and they had nothing but good things to say, so my expectations were running a little high, and as you may know, that can get the best of anyone.

So, as a quick one-sentence summary for those of you who are tired of reading this already… Stoney River was ok taste-wise, but all other aspects of the restaurant were not as good as I had expected. Read on if you want the details.

Off to a bad start

Betsy called ahead to place a reservation for our party of six only to find out they do “priority seating” instead. Due to my lack of experience with steakhouse outings, I don’t know if this is a common business practice, but this was new to me. Basically, you give them your name, show up at the declared time, and then you still have to wait for a table, but not quite as long as everyone else. We were there for dinner at 7PM on a Saturday night, so they had about a 30 minute wait, and we had to wait about 15 minutes. I found this to be nothing but annoying, as if instead of the restaurant trying to accommodate our party, we were trying to accommodate the restaurant on not having open tables in case we were a no-call no-show reservation. Not too classy if you ask me.

The restaurant was decorated as if you were dining in a dimly-lit modern wooden lodge. There was a warm welcoming fireplace upon entering, which was particularly nice on Saturday night since it was a chilly 19 degrees outside. The artwork adorning the wall looked like enlarged Bob Ross prints. Woodland scenes with happy little trees, happy little rivers, and happy little log cabins. Not quite as classy as I expected, and a bit on the faux side of things since I still fully aware of the fact that we were eating in a restaurant chain in the middle of the suburbs. Would have felt more appropriate and authentic if we had to drive out to the middle of Hocking Hills to find this place.

So, we were seated and our waiter gave us the schpeel about the specials and the restaurant’s branding. Standard stuff. Some wine, beer, and cocktails were ordered. Anne made a special request for a fruity non-alcoholic drink from the bar, which our waiter had a hard time comprehending.

Waiter: “So, do you want a frozen drink?”
Anne: “No, nothing frozen.”
Waiter: “So like a daiquiri or something?”
Anne: “No. NOT frozen.”
Waiter: “So, you just want some orange juice or something?”
Anne: (sigh)

She wound up with a mix of orange, pineapple, and grapefruit juices that she said tasted a little sour.

unAppetizers

For starters, Dave, Betsy, Anne & I ordered the New England Lobster Bisque with Sherry Garnish, while Bob & Ann decided to share a Caesar Salad. Our plates came out pretty quick, so I can’t complain about the service being slow. The salad was brought out in one bowl with an extra plate, so Bob had to split it up himself. I guess it was too hard for them to split it back in the kitchen.

The bisque (which I’m a huge fan of, and order it whenever it’s on a menu anywhere) was way too thick. I know it’s supposed to be a thick, creamy soup, but it was more like a bisque reduction. Or a bisque concentrate that they forgot to add more water to. Whenever you eat any kind of soup, and it doesn’t remain level in the bowl (i could see the bottom in spots and the bisque sat piled in other spots) it shouldn’t really be classified as a soup anymore. Lobster custard… maybe. It felt like you could have turned your bowl upside down without spilling any of it out. I managed to finish mine, as the flavor was alright, but Anne was pretty turned off by the almost pudding-like texture and couldn’t eat more than a few bites.

The Legendary Steaks

The menu (and name of the restaurant) says “Legendary Steaks”, and if that’s not enough to set your expectations high, what is? I ordered the twin tenderloin medallions that came with a side of sauteed asparagus and béarnaise sauce (which we all joked was one part bear, one part mayonnaise since no one at the table knew what ingredients went into making it). Everyone else ordered some form of beef in one cut or another.

One thing that really bugged me, and perhaps I’m just nitpicky, but after each person at our tabled declared how they’d like their steak done, the waiter reconfirmed our request with a definition of what we’d be getting. I ordered medium-well and he rattled off something along the lines of “fully browned outer with mild pink center” to which I had to again reconfirm with “ok”. It grated my nerves to hear him make the statement six times in a row after each person ordered as if no one in the world knows what medium well or medium rare means. The only other place I’ve ever encountered anything else like this is, i kid you not, Red Robin. The wait staff at some of those restaurants will force you to say “Pink or No Pink”. I even tried saying Medium-Well once and the waitress just repeated her question of “Pink or No Pink?” with the explanation being that that was the only two options for her to punch the order into their computers. Some of you may be ok with this sort of thing, but to me this unnecessary hand-holding treatment it makes it feel like I’m ordering off the kids menu.

Anyway, when my entree was presented in front of me, I almost laughed out loud. I’m not a high-roller by any means, but I expected a little more presentation than what they were willing to give. Honestly, I felt like I was 8-years-old and my mom had made me a smiley face dinner. Two pieces of meat in the middle of the plate (eyes), two rows of five asparagus at 10 and 2 on my plate (eyebrows), about two tablespoons of béarnaise globbed at the bottom of the plate (mouth) and two small piles (maybe a teaspoon each) of dice red bell peppers on each side of the sauce (rosy cheeks). To make things even more comical, the plates had a black and white checkered border around the edge, which I think are the exact same plates used at Cap City Diner (where they are far more appropriate).

After I snapped out of my daze, and plates had arrived in front of everyone at the table, the waiter immediately requested that we all cut into our steaks to ensure that they were cooked to our orders. Really? Again with the “Kids Menu” treatment? I understand that for their type of business, a miscooked steak is probably the number one reason food gets returned to the kitchen and can cause delays, but I felt like this solution to their problem was more of a convenience for them and an inconvenience for us. What if I don’t want to jump into my steak right away? What if I’m in the middle of a dinner conversation? What if I want to eat my sides first without making my steak cold by exposing the middle to room temperature? Why can’t the waiter just cut it up himself and feed it to me like a baby and make the Stoney River experience complete?

Anyway, enough venting. To Stoney River’s credit, the food actually tasted alright. The steaks were cooked just how I like them (they damn well better be after quadruple-confirmation), and they were nice and tender cuts of meat. Anne & I shared a side of mashed potatoes, which I also thought were good, but she wasn’t too impressed with them.

Anne & I were filled up enough that we opted out of dessert. Bob & Ann shared a slice of chocolate Ganache, while Dave & Betsy shared a cappuccino Creme Brulée. Everyone seemed satisfied with their dessert selections.

Conclusion: Part I

So, for the two of us, entrees, soups, one side, one glass of wine, and one glass of juice, after tip, was $100, which I felt was quite a bit more than it was worth. I would have been happy paying around $70, and according to JimL2’s restaurant calculator (which I carry in my man purse at all time) would be a 70% score, equating to a C+ or D- (depending on your calculator model number). Anne’s fruit juice ended up costing slightly more than my glass of wine since they listed it on our check as “P-Apple Juice $2.75, Orange Juice $2.50, G-Fruit Juice, $2.00″. In hindsight, I guess I should have said something to the waiter about being charged for three juices when they were mixed into one standard serving, but we were just ready to leave by that point.

Bonus: Bathroom Adventures!

The women’s restroom was out of service during our trip to Stoney River, so that meant the ladies had to walk through the kitchen to get to the spare unisex kitchen-crew bathroom in the back. Fun! Plus, being that we were seated a few tables away from the standard bathrooms, we got to watch several on-call Roto Rooter workers walk back and forth by our table for about an hour. Appetizing!

Right before we left, Bob went to the restroom and watched in a daze as one of the other waiters (not ours) came in, used the restroom, and left without washing his hands. Bob was going to mention it to someone, but again, we were beyond ready to get out of there by this point.

Conclusion: Part II

I can’t say I’ll ever go back to Stoney River. It was too much money for too little class. The few times a year I go out somewhere nice should be worth the amount of money I want to spend, and Stoney River was not up to the task. I recommend that they cut their prices by 60% and just compete with Outback and Roadhouse instead, because they’re not even close to the same quality as any of the other steakhouse’s I’ve been to in Columbus or anywhere else for that matter.